Month: April 2016

The role of fear in our lives

There is an old adage “there is nothing to fear but fear itself”.  It took me a long time to fully comprehend the truth of this – and only after I had new experiences which terrified me initially.  My paralysing fear of flipping over from the boat for scuba diving was accentuated by the  engulfing sea water.  The icy hand around my heart as I waited to ski down a “red” slope for the first time made worse by the harsh snowfall slapping against my goggles.  But I clearly survived those experiences and more importantly, began to enjoy them after some time.

So why do we fear new experiences and how does fear help or hinder our development.  When we fear an unknown experience, our primal “fight or flight” response kicks in.  It feels as though our brain is telling us “this does not look or feel good, better not do it”.  This is a natural way of us trying to protect ourselves from the unknown – just as our ancestors did generations ago in the wild.  In today’s context, fear can also manifests in experiences which do not necessarily lead to bodily harm, such as, giving a presentation, signing up for an advanced course or “fear” of a colleague more experienced than us.  Fear arises in these situations due to the assumptions we make of ourselves, our abilities and the way others see us.   We think that we are not good enough to give the presentation, not qualified enough to be a participant at a course or fear disappointing our esteemed colleague by not matching up to standard.   Fundamentally we underestimate our own abilities and overestimate what others think our us. 

At this point, we either overwrite our fear with “it will be alright, breathe and go” or we can give in to it.  Chances are people who choose the former are more likely to stretch and develop themselves over time. While the fear may still exist in our bodies, there is wonderful learning in managing the fear itself.  Taking deep breathes and feeling what it is like to feel fear.  Another old adage “look fear in the eye” aptly summarises this stage as we acknowledge that we are fearful yet take a decisive step towards facing and overcoming it.  Several times, we realise that the fear only existed in our minds or that other people were feeling fear as well.

If we see fear as a step towards our own development and learning, it can serve as a healthy catalyst.  The problem arises when we are stunned into inaction or avoidance which can debilitate our growth journey.  What have I learnt when facing my fears? Simply this :

  • It is alright to feel fear.
  • Deep breaths are the key to managing fear.
  • Know that no one else is as harsh on you as you are on yourself.
  • You will learn from the experience. And learning keeps us young.
  • Others are carrying their own fears and “stuff” just like you.

So, go ahead, make fear a part of your life.  Sense it, feel it but definitely work towards managing it.  That will be when we are truly transforming ourselves into better human beings.

Why we are frequently blindsided

The sun was piercing my head.  Within 5 minutes of exposure to the hot midday sun, I was looking forward to going home.  As a volunteer at my first grassroots event, it was my job to distribute anti-dengue pamphlets within my neighbourhood which required walking under the midday sun.

As part of an anti-dengue drive, we were supposed to encourage residents to take note of stagnant water in their houses and dispose it. Simple enough, I thought. But my first encounter with a resident turned the whole experience around for me.  He started complaining about water stagnation outside his house during downpours and told us to look into it.  After listening to him for about 15 minutes, I told him that we will update the relevant person and that we had to go as we had other houses to distribute the pamphlets to.  He was visibly upset and said that we were not authentic in listening to his issue.

It was a reaction which caught me by surprise as I thought we had listened quite well by asking him questions and taking photos of the affected area. Later I realised that I was listening on my terms and not on his.  I was blindsided by what was going on in my head and not seeing the issue from his perspective.

What causes us to be blindsided? Many times it is the story playing in our head.  We live in our heads and our thoughts; and tend to project that out onto the world.  We can get so engulfed in our thoughts that we assume that to be the reality.  Psychologists use the term cognitive biases to explain the tendency for us to ignore what is obvious around us and to see only what we want to see.  Essentially, it is as though we are wearing blinkers on our eyes and minds – and this shuts off the environment around us.  

What can we do about it?

1) We can ask ourselves questions to evoke alternative viewpoints. If we believe in a view, we can ask what if someone believed the opposite. How might that be true for them and what story would they be telling themselves.

2) Talk to a diverse group of people to expand your viewpoint.  While social media has allowed us to stay connected to the news, the filtering function means that we only read what we are interested in or what our friends are interested in.  Thus we miss out on a lot of information and news which we used to “stumble” upon from browsing hard copy newspapers and magazines before the advent of social media.

3) Breathe deeply whenever we are confronted with an alternative view point which goes against our assumptions.  Remember that reality is only based on perspectives and our perspective does not make the reality more true than someone else’s perspective.

Our tendency to get blindsided will likely manifest in many areas of our lives.  But the way we deal and manage this will have a noticeable impact on our relationship with others.  At the very least, we will be more careful during the next anti-dengue campaign.