Why I chose to do the most difficult thing during my daughter’s PSLE year.

Singaporeans know about the dreaded PSLE (Primary School Leaving Examinations) which all our 12 year olds sit for.  The common perception is that these exams can make or break a child’s future as it determines the secondary school he or she gets into.  Which in turn determines the junior college and finally the university the child gets into.  As a small country with no natural resources, it is understandable that a lot of focus and pressure is put on developing our children.

Anticipating the stress, I was mentally prepared myself for my daughter’s PSLE when she stepped into Primary 5.  I knew the syllabus would be difficult and that she would need to put in extra hours of studies.  As I watched her struggle and yet somehow cope in her own way in Primary 5, I realised that this was more than a journey towards the PSLE.  It was a journey of self discovery, of doing things outside of her comfort zone and of managing stress. As she hit Primary 6, I noticed with a sinking feeling that she was getting increasingly tired and was beginning to see studies as a chore.  No matter how much pep talk I gave, she would invariably look at me with droopy eyes and respond that she was tired.

I knew then what I had to do.  I had to put myself in a similar experience to be able to empathise with her.  There was no point in my trying to motivate her if I did not feel what she was feeling. It was only through this connection that I would fully appreciate what she was going through. On a side note, although I have gone through the PSLE as a child myself, it really is a lot different nowadays.  The fact that schools hold Maths workshops for parents is an indicator that the syllabus has changed considerably.

So to put myself in a similar experience of self discovery and stretching beyond my comfort zone as my daughter was doing, I quit my job and set up my own practice.   It was a decision which had been lurking in my mind for a while but I took the leap of faith once I made the connection with my daughter’s journey.  The months leading up to my resignation were fraught with trepidation and fear as I wondered if I was ready to set up my own practice.  I did not feel confident that I could built a successful practice.

During this phase, I noticed that I had fewer pep talks with my daughter and more heart-to-heart talks.  I asked her about her day and how she was feeling rather than whether she had completed her homework.  When she was exhausted, I was exhausted too as I was trying to make something out of my practice.  In this twin journey, I was not her superior, I was her equal.  As she grew in confidence with her school work, so did I.  As she became more disciplined in saying no to things which wasted her time such as television, so did I.  I limited my time out of the house and cut down on social outings.  I felt the combination of her exhaustion, nervousness and joy – because I felt it too.

The PSLE starts in a week and in a blink of an eye, it will be over.  But what will remain is the twin journey I’ve had with my daughter and the connection we have made over the year.  Finally, I can see a valuable outcome of the PSLE.

 

The secret to more engaged employees – trust

One word has been cropping up in my conversations recently.  As I coached clients and had conversations with colleagues, many mentioned that they were not completely satisfied with their jobs.  I was struck when over a span of a few weeks, I heard the word “trust” or lack thereof as the main reason for their dissatisfaction.

The lack of trust by bosses that their employees could do the job they were given was a major factor in employee engagement.  This lack of trust made my clients and colleagues feel like they did not want to give their best to the organisation and were not inspired to give their best.  As expected, this led to a vicious downward spiral of low engagement and lack of trust feeding each other.

My own experience with trust has been similar.  Bosses and colleagues who gave me the parameters of a project and then let me just “get on with it” are the ones I still remember.  Those were the projects I put in my heart and soul, bent over backwards to make sure all went well and had a huge sense of satisfaction at the end of the project.  I felt I owed it to my bosses to keep them updated on the projects. Other projects where I experienced low levels of trust, I ho-hummed my way through without much passion for the project.

So what is trust and why does it impact us at such a fundamental level? 

According to the Merriam-Webster dictionary, trust is the “belief that someone or something is reliable, good, honest and effective”.  This is quite hard-hitting as it implies that we do not think someone is reliable, good, honest or effective when we don’t trust them. Subconsciously, this is probably why we feel unmotivated or uninspired when someone does not trust us.  It is almost like they are doubting our reliability and effectiveness.

But trust needs to be earned, right? Well, yes and no.  Trust is a mindset.  If you trust others, your outlook of them changes.  They will feel your trust and respond accordingly and you will sense them responding and feel even better – thus creating a virtuous cycle.

Of course there will be instances when we are betrayed by the people we trust.  We may start to doubt our ability to trust others and become cynical.  I think this is precisely the time when we should increase our level of trust in others.  Trust even more when you feel you have been betrayed.  Others are watching us to see how we handle betrayal.  The more open and honest we are with our feelings, the faster we will heal and have a positive impact on those around us.  Don’t give your power away to someone who betrays your trust. The sooner you start your healing process and bounce back with trusting others, the faster you will feel powerful again.

How to you build trust in an organisation? 

As with everything else in an organisation, trust needs to be made intentional.  And for it to be intentional, trust needs to be coupled with accountability.  Thus employees are made accountable for their projects with the appropriate management support they require.   The organisation’s leaders of course have a key role in setting the tone but it is not solely up to them. Employees at all levels need to have a mindset of trust for it to perpetuate in the organisation.  That implies that trust needs to be given upwards too.

Every time you give trust, notice the difference it makes to your relationship with that person.  Notice also how you feel and the effect trust has on you.  And the next time someone betrays your trust, remember not to give your power away to that person.  Start your healing process and bounce right back in trusting others again.