Why I chose to do the most difficult thing during my daughter’s PSLE year.

Singaporeans know about the dreaded PSLE (Primary School Leaving Examinations) which all our 12 year olds sit for.  The common perception is that these exams can make or break a child’s future as it determines the secondary school he or she gets into.  Which in turn determines the junior college and finally the university the child gets into.  As a small country with no natural resources, it is understandable that a lot of focus and pressure is put on developing our children.

Anticipating the stress, I was mentally prepared myself for my daughter’s PSLE when she stepped into Primary 5.  I knew the syllabus would be difficult and that she would need to put in extra hours of studies.  As I watched her struggle and yet somehow cope in her own way in Primary 5, I realised that this was more than a journey towards the PSLE.  It was a journey of self discovery, of doing things outside of her comfort zone and of managing stress. As she hit Primary 6, I noticed with a sinking feeling that she was getting increasingly tired and was beginning to see studies as a chore.  No matter how much pep talk I gave, she would invariably look at me with droopy eyes and respond that she was tired.

I knew then what I had to do.  I had to put myself in a similar experience to be able to empathise with her.  There was no point in my trying to motivate her if I did not feel what she was feeling. It was only through this connection that I would fully appreciate what she was going through. On a side note, although I have gone through the PSLE as a child myself, it really is a lot different nowadays.  The fact that schools hold Maths workshops for parents is an indicator that the syllabus has changed considerably.

So to put myself in a similar experience of self discovery and stretching beyond my comfort zone as my daughter was doing, I quit my job and set up my own practice.   It was a decision which had been lurking in my mind for a while but I took the leap of faith once I made the connection with my daughter’s journey.  The months leading up to my resignation were fraught with trepidation and fear as I wondered if I was ready to set up my own practice.  I did not feel confident that I could built a successful practice.

During this phase, I noticed that I had fewer pep talks with my daughter and more heart-to-heart talks.  I asked her about her day and how she was feeling rather than whether she had completed her homework.  When she was exhausted, I was exhausted too as I was trying to make something out of my practice.  In this twin journey, I was not her superior, I was her equal.  As she grew in confidence with her school work, so did I.  As she became more disciplined in saying no to things which wasted her time such as television, so did I.  I limited my time out of the house and cut down on social outings.  I felt the combination of her exhaustion, nervousness and joy – because I felt it too.

The PSLE starts in a week and in a blink of an eye, it will be over.  But what will remain is the twin journey I’ve had with my daughter and the connection we have made over the year.  Finally, I can see a valuable outcome of the PSLE.

 

The secret to more engaged employees – trust

woman-570883_640

One word has been cropping up in my conversations recently.  As I coached clients and had conversations with colleagues, many mentioned that they were not completely satisfied with their jobs.  I was struck when over a span of a few weeks, I heard the word “trust” or lack thereof as the main reason for their dissatisfaction.

The lack of trust by bosses that their employees could do the job they were given was a major factor in employee engagement.  This lack of trust made my clients and colleagues feel like they did not want to give their best to the organisation and were not inspired to give their best.  As expected, this led to a vicious downward spiral of low engagement and lack of trust feeding each other.

My own experience with trust has been similar.  Bosses and colleagues who gave me the parameters of a project and then let me just “get on with it” are the ones I still remember.  Those were the projects I put in my heart and soul, bent over backwards to make sure all went well and had a huge sense of satisfaction at the end of the project.  I felt I owed it to my bosses to keep them updated on the projects. Other projects where I experienced low levels of trust, I ho-hummed my way through without much passion for the project.

So what is trust and why does it impact us at such a fundamental level? 

According to the Merriam-Webster dictionary, trust is the “belief that someone or something is reliable, good, honest and effective”.  This is quite hard-hitting as it implies that we do not think someone is reliable, good, honest or effective when we don’t trust them. Subconsciously, this is probably why we feel unmotivated or uninspired when someone does not trust us.  It is almost like they are doubting our reliability and effectiveness.

But trust needs to be earned, right? Well, yes and no.  Trust is a mindset.  If you trust others, your outlook of them changes.  They will feel your trust and respond accordingly and you will sense them responding and feel even better – thus creating a virtuous cycle.

Of course there will be instances when we are betrayed by the people we trust.  We may start to doubt our ability to trust others and become cynical.  I think this is precisely the time when we should increase our level of trust in others.  Trust even more when you feel you have been betrayed.  Others are watching us to see how we handle betrayal.  The more open and honest we are with our feelings, the faster we will heal and have a positive impact on those around us.  Don’t give your power away to someone who betrays your trust. The sooner you start your healing process and bounce back with trusting others, the faster you will feel powerful again.

How to you build trust in an organisation? 

As with everything else in an organisation, trust needs to be made intentional.  And for it to be intentional, trust needs to be coupled with accountability.  Thus employees are made accountable for their projects with the appropriate management support they require.   The organisation’s leaders of course have a key role in setting the tone but it is not solely up to them. Employees at all levels need to have a mindset of trust for it to perpetuate in the organisation.  That implies that trust needs to be given upwards too.

Every time you give trust, notice the difference it makes to your relationship with that person.  Notice also how you feel and the effect trust has on you.  And the next time someone betrays your trust, remember not to give your power away to that person.  Start your healing process and bounce right back in trusting others again.

An Invitation to Pause

 

File_000 (4)

 

The invitation to pause is a blessing

It’s a reminder to our soul, our being, our self

That we need to slow down

That our hearts need a delve

 

It’s a day spent with our self

It’s a day spent with others

But mostly it’s a day spent promising

That despite life’s bothers

 

We need to reflect

The triumphs of the past year

The tribulations that made us stronger

And the memories we hold dear

 

The pause is not a luxury

It is not a good-to-have

It is a blessing given to us

For us to cherish and save

 

#PressPause #InstantPause #LifebyDanielle

5 Reasons Why Everyone Should Coach and be Coached

I place my green tea gingerly next to my iPhone. Next, I angle the artificial flower, which reminds me of my fellow coaches. Then I do the most important step – I take 10 deep breaths. The kind of breaths that connect me to my inner-self and centre me to the present. 

Read more in my article published by Executive Lifestyle, 19th June 2016

5 reasons why everyone should coach and be coached

I place my green tea gingerly next to my iphone. Next I angle the artificial flower which reminds me of my fellow coaches. Then I do the most important step – I take 10 deep breathes. The kind of breathes that connects me to my inner self and centres me to the present. The breathes remind me that I am here to support  another human being in their journey and I am only a vessel to help them find their own answers. Soon the phone rings and I start my coaching session.

Through my coaching session I constantly check back into my breathing. I watch the body language and tone of my client and reflect back what I see and feel.   Sometimes my mind wonders but I gently bring it back to the present. After the session, I take deep breaths and make notes of the coaching session. Essentially how I was feel and being during the session. After a few of these reflection, I have begun to realise that I coach the way I was coached. It’s a process of absorbing and giving back what you gained. This makes coaching a highly experiential and rewarding experience – and one in which I am constantly receiving and giving back.

Why everyone should coach and be coached:

  1. We don’t really reflect constantly. Or maybe some of us do but it may be a struggle for most to make it a constant habit.A coach will gently remind us that reflection is a key skill for improvement.
  2. You need to receive before you can give. It is important to receive and feel the warmth of good coaching before you can give it back. This will keep you inspired and motivated to continue coaching.
  3. As a check in for the issues you face at work or in professional development. There is real power in knowing that there is someone who is walking along side you in your journey. The coach will not have the answers but will help you unravel the answers that lie within you.
  4. Everyone can coach and should. It is the single more powerful way for you to ground yourself and focus your attention on another person completely. It requires you to know that your very presence will make a difference to someone. 
  5. Coaching others is not about having a sense of satisfaction but about knowing there is so much more to learn about yourself. You will always feel that you could have coached better or asked a better question. It’s this feeling which will keep you in a place of enquiry for your own development and growth.

There is no big secret about the process of coaching. At its most basic level, it is about breathing, asking questions and holding the intent.  Something we all can do, right?:)

The role of fear in our lives

There is an old adage “there is nothing to fear but fear itself”.  It took me a long time to fully comprehend the truth of this – and only after I had new experiences which terrified me initially.  My paralysing fear of flipping over from the boat for scuba diving was accentuated by the  engulfing sea water.  The icy hand around my heart as I waited to ski down a “red” slope for the first time made worse by the harsh snowfall slapping against my goggles.  But I clearly survived those experiences and more importantly, began to enjoy them after some time.

So why do we fear new experiences and how does fear help or hinder our development.  When we fear an unknown experience, our primal “fight or flight” response kicks in.  It feels as though our brain is telling us “this does not look or feel good, better not do it”.  This is a natural way of us trying to protect ourselves from the unknown – just as our ancestors did generations ago in the wild.  In today’s context, fear can also manifests in experiences which do not necessarily lead to bodily harm, such as, giving a presentation, signing up for an advanced course or “fear” of a colleague more experienced than us.  Fear arises in these situations due to the assumptions we make of ourselves, our abilities and the way others see us.   We think that we are not good enough to give the presentation, not qualified enough to be a participant at a course or fear disappointing our esteemed colleague by not matching up to standard.   Fundamentally we underestimate our own abilities and overestimate what others think our us. 

At this point, we either overwrite our fear with “it will be alright, breathe and go” or we can give in to it.  Chances are people who choose the former are more likely to stretch and develop themselves over time. While the fear may still exist in our bodies, there is wonderful learning in managing the fear itself.  Taking deep breathes and feeling what it is like to feel fear.  Another old adage “look fear in the eye” aptly summarises this stage as we acknowledge that we are fearful yet take a decisive step towards facing and overcoming it.  Several times, we realise that the fear only existed in our minds or that other people were feeling fear as well.

If we see fear as a step towards our own development and learning, it can serve as a healthy catalyst.  The problem arises when we are stunned into inaction or avoidance which can debilitate our growth journey.  What have I learnt when facing my fears? Simply this :

  • It is alright to feel fear.
  • Deep breaths are the key to managing fear.
  • Know that no one else is as harsh on you as you are on yourself.
  • You will learn from the experience. And learning keeps us young.
  • Others are carrying their own fears and “stuff” just like you.

So, go ahead, make fear a part of your life.  Sense it, feel it but definitely work towards managing it.  That will be when we are truly transforming ourselves into better human beings.

Why we are frequently blindsided

The sun was piercing my head.  Within 5 minutes of exposure to the hot midday sun, I was looking forward to going home.  As a volunteer at my first grassroots event, it was my job to distribute anti-dengue pamphlets within my neighbourhood which required walking under the midday sun.

As part of an anti-dengue drive, we were supposed to encourage residents to take note of stagnant water in their houses and dispose it. Simple enough, I thought. But my first encounter with a resident turned the whole experience around for me.  He started complaining about water stagnation outside his house during downpours and told us to look into it.  After listening to him for about 15 minutes, I told him that we will update the relevant person and that we had to go as we had other houses to distribute the pamphlets to.  He was visibly upset and said that we were not authentic in listening to his issue.

It was a reaction which caught me by surprise as I thought we had listened quite well by asking him questions and taking photos of the affected area. Later I realised that I was listening on my terms and not on his.  I was blindsided by what was going on in my head and not seeing the issue from his perspective.

What causes us to be blindsided? Many times it is the story playing in our head.  We live in our heads and our thoughts; and tend to project that out onto the world.  We can get so engulfed in our thoughts that we assume that to be the reality.  Psychologists use the term cognitive biases to explain the tendency for us to ignore what is obvious around us and to see only what we want to see.  Essentially, it is as though we are wearing blinkers on our eyes and minds – and this shuts off the environment around us.  

What can we do about it?

1) We can ask ourselves questions to evoke alternative viewpoints. If we believe in a view, we can ask what if someone believed the opposite. How might that be true for them and what story would they be telling themselves.

2) Talk to a diverse group of people to expand your viewpoint.  While social media has allowed us to stay connected to the news, the filtering function means that we only read what we are interested in or what our friends are interested in.  Thus we miss out on a lot of information and news which we used to “stumble” upon from browsing hard copy newspapers and magazines before the advent of social media.

3) Breathe deeply whenever we are confronted with an alternative view point which goes against our assumptions.  Remember that reality is only based on perspectives and our perspective does not make the reality more true than someone else’s perspective.

Our tendency to get blindsided will likely manifest in many areas of our lives.  But the way we deal and manage this will have a noticeable impact on our relationship with others.  At the very least, we will be more careful during the next anti-dengue campaign.