Why I chose to do the most difficult thing during my daughter’s PSLE year.

Singaporeans know about the dreaded PSLE (Primary School Leaving Examinations) which all our 12 year olds sit for.  The common perception is that these exams can make or break a child’s future as it determines the secondary school he or she gets into.  Which in turn determines the junior college and finally the university the child gets into.  As a small country with no natural resources, it is understandable that a lot of focus and pressure is put on developing our children.

Anticipating the stress, I was mentally prepared myself for my daughter’s PSLE when she stepped into Primary 5.  I knew the syllabus would be difficult and that she would need to put in extra hours of studies.  As I watched her struggle and yet somehow cope in her own way in Primary 5, I realised that this was more than a journey towards the PSLE.  It was a journey of self discovery, of doing things outside of her comfort zone and of managing stress. As she hit Primary 6, I noticed with a sinking feeling that she was getting increasingly tired and was beginning to see studies as a chore.  No matter how much pep talk I gave, she would invariably look at me with droopy eyes and respond that she was tired.

I knew then what I had to do.  I had to put myself in a similar experience to be able to empathise with her.  There was no point in my trying to motivate her if I did not feel what she was feeling. It was only through this connection that I would fully appreciate what she was going through. On a side note, although I have gone through the PSLE as a child myself, it really is a lot different nowadays.  The fact that schools hold Maths workshops for parents is an indicator that the syllabus has changed considerably.

So to put myself in a similar experience of self discovery and stretching beyond my comfort zone as my daughter was doing, I quit my job and set up my own practice.   It was a decision which had been lurking in my mind for a while but I took the leap of faith once I made the connection with my daughter’s journey.  The months leading up to my resignation were fraught with trepidation and fear as I wondered if I was ready to set up my own practice.  I did not feel confident that I could built a successful practice.

During this phase, I noticed that I had fewer pep talks with my daughter and more heart-to-heart talks.  I asked her about her day and how she was feeling rather than whether she had completed her homework.  When she was exhausted, I was exhausted too as I was trying to make something out of my practice.  In this twin journey, I was not her superior, I was her equal.  As she grew in confidence with her school work, so did I.  As she became more disciplined in saying no to things which wasted her time such as television, so did I.  I limited my time out of the house and cut down on social outings.  I felt the combination of her exhaustion, nervousness and joy – because I felt it too.

The PSLE starts in a week and in a blink of an eye, it will be over.  But what will remain is the twin journey I’ve had with my daughter and the connection we have made over the year.  Finally, I can see a valuable outcome of the PSLE.

 

5 reasons why everyone should coach and be coached

I place my green tea gingerly next to my iphone. Next I angle the artificial flower which reminds me of my fellow coaches. Then I do the most important step – I take 10 deep breathes. The kind of breathes that connects me to my inner self and centres me to the present. The breathes remind me that I am here to support  another human being in their journey and I am only a vessel to help them find their own answers. Soon the phone rings and I start my coaching session.

Through my coaching session I constantly check back into my breathing. I watch the body language and tone of my client and reflect back what I see and feel.   Sometimes my mind wonders but I gently bring it back to the present. After the session, I take deep breaths and make notes of the coaching session. Essentially how I was feel and being during the session. After a few of these reflection, I have begun to realise that I coach the way I was coached. It’s a process of absorbing and giving back what you gained. This makes coaching a highly experiential and rewarding experience – and one in which I am constantly receiving and giving back.

Why everyone should coach and be coached:

1. We don’t really reflect constantly. Or maybe some of us do but it may be a struggle for most to make it a constant habit.A coach will gently remind us that reflection is a key skill for improvement.
2. You need to receive before you can give. It is important to receive and feel the warmth of good coaching before you can give it back. This will keep you inspired and motivated to continue coaching.
3. As a check in for the issues you face at work or in professional development. There is real power in knowing that there is someone who is walking along side you in your journey. The coach will not have the answers but will help you unravel the answers that lie within you.
4. Everyone can coach and should. It is the single more powerful way for you to ground yourself and focus your attention on another person completely. It requires you to know that your very presence will make a difference to someone. 
5. Coaching others is not about having a sense of satisfaction but about knowing there is so much more to learn about yourself. You will always feel that you could have coached better or asked a better question. It’s this feeling which will keep you in a place of enquiry for your own development and growth.

There is no big secret about the process of coaching. At its most basic level, it is about breathing, asking questions and holding the intent.  Something we all can do, right?:)

The role of fear in our lives

There is an old adage “there is nothing to fear but fear itself”.  It took me a long time to fully comprehend the truth of this – and only after I had new experiences which terrified me initially.  My paralysing fear of flipping over from the boat for scuba diving was accentuated by the  engulfing sea water.  The icy hand around my heart as I waited to ski down a “red” slope for the first time made worse by the harsh snowfall slapping against my goggles.  But I clearly survived those experiences and more importantly, began to enjoy them after some time.

So why do we fear new experiences and how does fear help or hinder our development.  When we fear an unknown experience, our primal “fight or flight” response kicks in.  It feels as though our brain is telling us “this does not look or feel good, better not do it”.  This is a natural way of us trying to protect ourselves from the unknown – just as our ancestors did generations ago in the wild.  In today’s context, fear can also manifests in experiences which do not necessarily lead to bodily harm, such as, giving a presentation, signing up for an advanced course or “fear” of a colleague more experienced than us.  Fear arises in these situations due to the assumptions we make of ourselves, our abilities and the way others see us.   We think that we are not good enough to give the presentation, not qualified enough to be a participant at a course or fear disappointing our esteemed colleague by not matching up to standard.   Fundamentally we underestimate our own abilities and overestimate what others think our us. 

At this point, we either overwrite our fear with “it will be alright, breathe and go” or we can give in to it.  Chances are people who choose the former are more likely to stretch and develop themselves over time. While the fear may still exist in our bodies, there is wonderful learning in managing the fear itself.  Taking deep breathes and feeling what it is like to feel fear.  Another old adage “look fear in the eye” aptly summarises this stage as we acknowledge that we are fearful yet take a decisive step towards facing and overcoming it.  Several times, we realise that the fear only existed in our minds or that other people were feeling fear as well.

If we see fear as a step towards our own development and learning, it can serve as a healthy catalyst.  The problem arises when we are stunned into inaction or avoidance which can debilitate our growth journey.  What have I learnt when facing my fears? Simply this :

• It is alright to feel fear.
• Deep breaths are the key to managing fear.
• Know that no one else is as harsh on you as you are on yourself.
• You will learn from the experience. And learning keeps us young.
• Others are carrying their own fears and “stuff” just like you.

So, go ahead, make fear a part of your life.  Sense it, feel it but definitely work towards managing it.  That will be when we are truly transforming ourselves into better human beings.